Ive been running for awhile.  Not as far as a lot of people and I always preferred nice easy going miles to fast paced craziness.  Last year at my sister Leahs race, I had been running five miles in 45 minutes.  And on race day I did it in 46 minutes. I was so annoyed about it.  I have never been competitive but it ate at me.  I also had a friend run it with me and he ran it in 37 minutes.  That- has also eaten at me.  I keep thinking that If i had just pushed myself a little more I could have done so much better. Why didnt I?  Why in that moment of pain did I not push through it?  The muscle is in there. Waiting to be used fully. Why does my brain back down and make me stop pushing?   So I started pushing myself to go further, faster.  Which ended up giving me runners knee and pulling a ligament.  Stupid - I know.  I went to the doctor and he started me back at one mile and lots of stretches.  Its very hard to be patient when your inherently NOT patient.  I want to get there, get it done, get to that feeling of "yes! I did it"  But you cant do that in running.  
So Ive started slow.  I worked myself back up to a steady three miles.  Yes, I can push to go eight minutes each.  I was for awhile there.  I did 4 miles in 32 minutes. And was so happy.  But than poof! I hit a wall.  Every time I run, I eat healthy, I warm up and stretch mega afterward.  I have a water pack and good music.  So why have my legs hurt the last few weeks of jogging?  My calves feel like they just aren't getting oxygen.  Even if I run a super easy two miles.  I have to mentally force myself to keep going.  Thats not fun!   
When everything goes crazy in my life I dive into running hard.  Which is probably why that and getting out in service is all I ever want to do now days.  So here I am.  Bugged with myself.  I need to run Leah's race.  I need to get a good time.  Something I'm proud of.  46 minutes is not ok.   JUST finishing, isn't ok.  I don't care if I win, but I have to give it my everything. Ive had it grilled into my head the past few years that I'm nothing and capable of nothing.  Running this race as best as I can is my way of pushing back and saying, you know what, your wrong.  But what if I dont fully believe that?

I'll run tomorrow.  Nice and easy, no expectations.  Maybe I'm just mentally grilling myself out of it.    Gotta get back to loving it because its fun.